Since B2 apparently didn't have a formal funeral or service, I had to have a way to say goodbye to the only man I ever truly loved or was in a long term relationship with, to this day.

So, Friday, I went to Fairbanks Park in Terre Haute, where I live, to the Ralph Tucker boat dock and had my own personal ceremony. It was simple and quick... and it hurt. I don't know if he was there with me or watching me do this but I thought I felt his presence there.

And if he wasn't - I wrote a goodbye letter to him a day after I found out about his death and threw it (with a rose) into the Wabash River on Friday and told him that I loved and love him, that I wish him peace in the light and that I was sorry for all of the terrible ways that I was when we were together - and I finally cried as I was walking away from the dock.

I just wanted him to know that I never forgot him, even though we've lost contact since 2013.

We met in the summer of 1994 and we had an almost 4 year tumultuous relationship in Indianapolis, IN.

We broke up for the final time on October 31st of 1997.

I moved all over the country in the following years, dealing with my own demons and issues, growing... learning, and making bad decisions while also having good times and I looked and looked for "love" again (and there were a few decent guys who were interested in me and many many many who treated me like garbage) and even though me and Bryan had many problems, no one or nothing compared to the love I felt with and for this man.

We stayed in contact during all of those years.

We "hooked up" a couple of times here and there... I went to 2 of his family reunions in 2009/2010 and there were times he was involved and I would meet his new love or times he was single and we would just talk and I never will forget when he told me that if I ever got really sick, that he would take care of me!

Anyway, when I moved back to my hometown for the final time in 2012, we stayed in touch on facebook for awhile and I saw that he worked really hard to be sober and spiritual and I am very proud of him for that!

But, time does roll on. Our lives go in different directions and we just kind of stopped communicating a couple of years ago, and that's okay.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about him and memories and there wasn't one single month that went buy where he didn't enter my mind at some point since 1997!

He had the single biggest impact on my life, heart and soul, more than any other human being ever had, or will, until the day I die.

My heart has been so heavy and deep profound sadness has consumed me since I found out that he passed away last Monday from natural causes.

I don't even know how he died and I guess it doesn't really matter now but even though we weren't in contact anymore, he was still "here" ... on the Earth - and now he's not and that changes so much of how I see things, remember the past and on and on.

But, I had to say goodbye - there had to be a closure and that's why I had the little memorial at the river.

John Bryan Bayes... even though you're gone, you will forever impact my life but your soul is free now, you are with God in the light and I hope when it comes time for me to transition off of this planet, that I will see you again.

Maybe we'll get it right next time... and I hope that he knows now, just how very much that I loved him so deeply and like no other person.

Fly High Bryan - I love you and until we meet again,

I say goodbye to you.

This song has always reminded me of him and us

______________________________________________________

John Bayes(1960 - 2016)

John Bryan Bayes, 56

John Bryan Bayes, 56, passed away unexpectedly early Monday, Sept. 5, 2016.

He was born in Lafayette on August 5, 1960. He graduated from Jeff in 1978. For the last four years, he was employed by Eurest at SIA in Lafayette.

He was preceded in death by his parents Arthur & Laura Jane (Scott) Bayes. He is survived by his sisters: Linda Brower (Kris), Diana Bayes (Lorena), Sherry Kennedy (Phil) and Susan Hutson, and one brother A. Scott Bayes (Lisa). He had many nieces & nephews and great nieces & nephews. He leaves many friends behind as well. There will be no formal services. Memorials can be given in his name, to the Salvation Army. The family will have a private Celebration of Life.

B2